Crucial Conversations

Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High
by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler

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Book Summary

Ch 1: What’s a Crucial Conversation?

What makes one of your conversations crucial as opposed to plain vanilla?

Opinions vary. For example, you’re talking with your boss about a possible promotion. She thinks you’re not ready; you think you are.
Stakes are high. You’re in a meeting with four coworkers and you’re trying to pick a new marketing strategy. You’ve got to do something different or your company isn’t going to hit its annual goals.
Emotions run strong. You’re in the middle of a casual discussion with your spouse and he or she brings up an “ugly incident” that took place at yesterday’s neighborhood block party.

Despite the importance of crucial conversations, we often back away from them because we fear we’ll make matters worse. We’ve become masters at avoiding tough conversations.

When conversations matter the most—that is, when conversations move from casual to crucial—we’re generally on our worst behavior. Why is that?

We’re designed wrong. That’s because emotions don’t exactly prepare us to converse effectively. Countless generations of genetic shaping drive humans to handle crucial conversations with flying fists and fleet feet, not intelligent persuasion and gentle attentiveness.
We’re under pressure. Crucial conversations are frequently spontaneous. More often than not, they come out of nowhere. And since you’re caught by surprise, you’re forced to conduct an extraordinarily complex human interaction in real time—no books, no coaches, and certainly no short breaks while a team of therapists runs to your aid and pumps you full of nifty ideas.
We’re stumped. You’re making this up as you go along because you haven’t often seen real-life models of effective communication skills.
We act in self-defeating ways. In our doped-up, dumbed-down state, the strategies we choose for dealing with our crucial conversations are perfectly designed to keep us from what we actually want. We’re our own worst enemies—and we don’t even realize it.

Ch 2: Mastering Crucial Conversations

The Fool’s Choice: The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend.

Dialogue: When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open. That’s it. At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information. People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories. They willingly and capably share their views, even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular.

Filling the Pool of Shared Meaning

Each of us enters conversations with our own opinions, feelings, theories, and experiences about the topic at hand. This unique combination of thoughts and feelings makes up our personal pool of meaning.
When two or more of us enter crucial conversations, by definition we don’t share the same pool. Our opinions differ. I believe one thing; you another.
People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool—even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs. Now, obviously, they don’t agree with every idea; they simply do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way into the open.
As individuals are exposed to more accurate and relevant information, they make better choices. In a very real sense, the Pool of Shared Meaning is a measure of a group’s IQ.

The Pool of Shared Meaning is the birthplace of synergy

Not only does a shared pool help individuals make better choices, but since the meaning is shared, people willingly act on whatever decisions they make—with both unity and conviction.
The time you spend up front establishing a shared pool of meaning is more than paid for by faster, more unified, and more committed action later on.
We’re not suggesting that every decision be made by consensus or that the boss shouldn’t take part in or even make the final choice. We’re simply suggesting that whatever the decision-making method, the greater the shared meaning in the pool, the better the choice, the more the unity, and the stronger the conviction—whoever makes the choice.
Every time we find ourselves arguing, debating, running away, or otherwise acting in an ineffective way, it’s because we don’t know how to share meaning. Instead of engaging in healthy dialogue, we play silly and costly games.
Not knowing how to stay in dialogue, we try to force our meaning into the pool. We rely on violence—anything from subtle manipulation to verbal attacks. We act like we know everything, hoping people will believe our arguments. We discredit others, hoping people won’t believe their arguments. And then we use every manner of force to get our way or possibly even harm others. We borrow power from the boss; we hit people with biased monologues; we make hurtful comments. The goal, of course, is always the same—to compel others to our point of view.
In order to move to our best, we have to find a way to explain what is in each of our personal pools of meaning—especially our high-stakes, sensitive, and controversial opinions, feelings, and ideas—and to get others to share their pools.

Ch 3: Start with Heart

(How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want)

Work on me first, us second

The first step to achieving the results we really want is to fix the problem of believing that others are the source of all that ails us.
Ironically, it’s the most talented, not the least talented, who are continually trying to improve their dialogue skills.
Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself.

Start With Heart

Stay focused on the goal: Skilled people begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no matter what happens. They maintain this focus in two ways:
1. They’re steely-eyed smart when it comes to knowing what they want. Despite constant invitations to slip away from their goals, they stick with them.
2. Skilled people don’t make Fool’s Choices (either/or choices).
Add to the pool of meaning: When faced with pressure and strong opinions, we often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for ways to win, punish, or keep the peace (silence or violence).
- Winning: The desire to win is built into our very fiber before we’re old enough to know what’s going on. Most of us don’t realize that this desire to win is continually driving us away from healthy dialogue.
- Punishing: Sometimes, as our anger increases, we move from wanting to win the point to wanting to harm the other person.
- Keeping the peace: Sometimes we choose personal safety over dialogue. Rather than add to the pool of meaning, and possibly make waves along the way, we go to silence.

1. Focus on what you really want

When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives. Ask yourself: “What does my behavior tell me about what my motives are?”
Refocus your brain. You can ask these questions either when you find yourself slipping out of dialogue or as reminders when you prepare to step up to a crucial conversation. Here are some great ones:
- What do I really want for myself?
- What do I really want for others?
- What do I really want for the relationship?
Once you’ve asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling question: How would I behave if I really wanted these results?
Find your bearings. There are two good reasons for asking these questions. First, the answer to what we really want helps us to locate our own North Star. Despite the fact that we’re being tempted to take the wrong path by (1) people who are trying to pick a fight, (2) thousands of years of genetic hard-wiring that brings our emotions to a quick boil, and (3) our deeply ingrained habit of trying to win, our North Star returns us to our original purpose.
Take charge of your body. As we introduce complex and abstract questions to our mind, the problem-solving part of our brain recognizes that we are now dealing with intricate social issues and not physical threats. When we present our brain with a demanding question, our body sends precious blood to the parts of our brain that help us think and away from the parts of our body that help us take flight or begin a fight.

2. Refuse the Fool’s Choice

As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a Fool’s Choice. Watch to see if you’re telling yourself that you must choose between peace and honesty, between winning and losing, and so on. Break free of these Fool’s Choices by searching for the Elusive “And”:

First, clarify what you really want.
Second, clarify what you really don’t want.
Third, present your brain with a more complex problem.
Finally, combine the two into an and question that forces you to search for more creative and productive options than silence and violence.

Ch 4: Learn to Look

(How to Notice When Safety Is at Risk)

Watch for conditions: It helps to watch for three different conditions:

The moment a conversation turns crucial.
Signs that people don’t feel safe (silence or violence).
Your own Style Under Stress.

1. Learn to Spot Crucial Conversations

Physical: Reprogram your mind to pay attention to the signs that suggest you’re in a crucial conversation. Some people first notice physical signals—their stomach gets tight or their eyes get dry. Think about what happens to your body when conversations get tough. Whatever they are, learn to look at them as signs to step back, slow down, and Start with Heart before things get out of hand.
Emotional: Others notice their emotions before they notice signs in their body. They realize they are scared, hurt, or angry and are beginning to react to or suppress these feelings.
Behavioral: Some people’s first cue is behavioral. For them, it’s like an out-of-body experience. They see themselves raising their voice, pointing their finger like a loaded weapon, or becoming very quiet.

2. Learn to Look for Safety Problems

Skilled people pay attention to the content—that’s a given—and they watch for signs that people are becoming fearful. When friends, loved ones, or colleagues move away from healthy dialogue (freely adding to the pool of meaning)—either forcing their opinions into the pool or purposefully keeping their ideas out of the pool—they immediately turn their attention to whether or not others feel safe.

When it’s safe, you can say anything. When it’s unsafe, you start to go blind. As we’ve said before, when your emotions start cranking up, key brain functions start shutting down. Not only do you prepare to take flight, but your peripheral vision actually narrows. In fact, when you feel genuinely threatened, you can scarcely see beyond what’s right in front of you.

Don’t let safety problems lead you astray:

Since others feel unsafe, they may be trying to make fun of you, insult you, or bowl you over with their arguments.
Instead of taking their attack as a sign that safety is at risk, you take it at its face—as an attack. “I’m under attack!” you think.
Then the dumb part of your brain kicks in and you respond in kind. Or maybe you try to escape.
We’re asking you to recode silence and violence as signs that people are feeling unsafe. We’re asking you to fight your natural tendency to respond in kind. We’re asking you to undo years of practice, maybe even eons of genetic shaping that prod you to take flight or pick a fight (when under attack), and recode the stimulus.
Obviously, this can be a difficult undertaking. But it’s worth it. This skill is the pivot point for everything that follows. It is also the gateway to gaining all the benefits that come to those who are skilled at crucial conversations.

Silence and Violence

As people begin to feel unsafe, they start down one of two unhealthy paths. They move either to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or to violence (trying to force meaning in the pool).

Silence: The three most common forms of silence are masking, avoiding, and withdrawing.

Masking consists of understating or selectively showing our true opinions. Sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couching are some of the more popular forms.
Avoiding involves steering completely away from sensitive subjects. We talk, but without addressing the real issues.
Withdrawing means pulling out of a conversation altogether. We either exit the conversation or exit the room.

Violence: It consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control, or compel others to your point of view. It violates safety by trying to force meaning into the pool. Methods range from name-calling and monologuing to making threats. The three most common forms are controlling, labelling, and attacking.

Controlling consists of coercing others to your way of thinking. It’s done through either forcing your views on others or dominating the conversation. Methods include cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the conversation.
Labelling is putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype or category.
Attacking speaks for itself. You’ve moved from winning the argument to making the person suffer. Tactics include belittling and threatening.

3. Look for Your Style Under Stress

Become a Vigilant Self-Monitor. Pay close attention to what you’re doing and the impact it’s having, and then alter your strategy if necessary. Specifically, watch to see if you’re having a good or bad impact on safety.

Ch 5: Make It Safe

(How to Make It Safe to Talk About Almost Anything / Step out. Make it safe. Then step back in.)

What do you do when you don’t feel like it’s safe to share what’s on your mind? The key is to step out of the content of the conversation. Don’t stay stuck in what’s being said. In these circumstances:

The worst at dialogue totally ignore the crying need for more safety. They say whatever is on their minds—with no regard for how it will be received.
The good realize that safety is at risk, but they fix it in exactly the wrong way. They try to make the subject more palatable by sugarcoating their message. This strategy, of course, avoids the real problem, and it never gets fixed.
The best don’t play games. Period. They know that in order to solve their problem, they’ll need to talk about their problem—with no pretending, sugarcoating, or faking. So they do something completely different. They step out of the content of the conversation, make it safe, and then step back in. Once safety is restored, they can talk about nearly anything.

Notice which condition is at risk

Mutual Purpose. Do others believe you care about their goals in this conversation? Do they trust your motives?
Mutual Respect. Do others believe you respect them?

1. Mutual Purpose—the Entrance Condition

Crucial conversations often go awry not because others dislike the content of the conversation, but because they believe the content (even if it’s delivered in a gentle way) suggests that you have a malicious intent. How can others feel safe when they believe you’re out to harm them? Soon, every word out of your mouth is suspect.

Consequently, the first condition of safety is Mutual Purpose. Mutual Purpose means that others perceive that you’re working toward a common outcome in the conversation, that you care about their goals, interests, and values. And vice versa. You believe they care about yours. Consequently, Mutual Purpose is the entry condition of dialogue. Find a shared goal, and you have both a good reason and a healthy climate for talking.

Watch for signs that Mutual Purpose is at risk: Here are two crucial questions to help us determine when Mutual Purpose is at risk:

Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation?
Do they trust my motives?

Remember the Mutual in Mutual Purpose: To succeed in crucial conversations, we must really care about the interests of others—not just our own. The purpose has to be truly mutual. If our goal is to get our way or manipulate others, it will quickly become apparent, safety will be destroyed, and we’ll be back to silence and violence in no time. Before you begin, examine your motives. Ask yourself the Start with Heart questions:

What do I want for me?
What do I want for others?
What do I want for the relationship?

Look for the mutuality: If your only reason for approaching the boss is to get what you want, the boss will hear you as critical and selfish—which is what you are. In contrast, if you try to see the other person’s point of view, you can often find a way to draw the other person willingly into even very sensitive conversations.

2. Mutual Respect—the Continuance Condition

Mutual Respect is the continuance condition of dialogue. As people perceive that others don’t respect them, the conversation immediately becomes unsafe and dialogue comes to a screeching halt.
Why? Because respect is like air. As long as it’s present, nobody thinks about it. But if you take it away, it’s all that people can think about.
Telltale signs: To spot when respect is violated and safety takes a turn south, watch for signs that people are defending their dignity. Emotions are the key. When people feel disrespected, they become highly charged. Their emotions turn from fear to anger.

Can You Respect People You Don’t Respect?

In essence, feelings of disrespect often come when we dwell on how others are different from ourselves. We can counteract these feelings by looking for ways we are similar.
When we recognize that we all have weaknesses, it’s easier to find a way to respect others. When we do this, we feel a kinship or mutuality between ourselves and even the thorniest of people.

What to do once you step out

Three hard-hitting skills that the best at dialogue use:

Apologize
Contrast
Create a Mutual Purpose

Each skill helps rebuild either Mutual Respect or Mutual Purpose.

1. Apologize When Appropriate

When you’ve made a mistake that has hurt others, start with an apology. An apology is a statement that sincerely expresses your sorrow for your role in causing—or at least not preventing—pain or difficulty to others.
To offer a sincere apology, your motives have to change. You have to give up saving face, being right, or winning in order to focus on what you really want. You have to sacrifice a bit of your ego by admitting your error. But like many sacrifices, when you give up something you value, you’re rewarded with something even more valuable—healthy dialogue and better results.

2. Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding

Sometimes others feel disrespected during crucial conversations even though you haven’t done anything disrespectful. Sure, there are times when respect gets violated because you behave in clearly hurtful ways. But just as often, the insult is entirely unintended.
Contrasting is a don’t/do statement that:
- Addresses others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (the don’t part).
- Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do part).
Of the two parts of Contrasting, the don’t part is more important because it deals with the misunderstanding that has put safety at risk.
Once you’ve done this, and safety returns to the conversation, then you can explain what you do intend. Safety first.
Contrasting is not apologizing. It is not a way of taking back something we’ve said that hurt others’ feelings. Rather, it is a way of ensuring that what we said didn’t hurt more than it should have.
Contrasting provides context and proportion. When you’re in the middle of a touchy conversation, sometimes others experience your words as bigger or worse than you intend.
Use Contrasting for prevention or first aid. When we’re aware that something we’re about to drop into the pool of meaning could create a splash of defensiveness, we use Contrasting to bolster safety—before we see others going to either silence or violence.
When people misunderstand and you start arguing over the misunderstanding, stop. Use Contrasting. Explain what you don’t mean until you’ve restored safety. Then return to the conversation. Safety first.

3. Create a Mutual Purpose

Sometimes we find ourselves in the middle of a debate because we clearly have different purposes. The best at dialogue use four skills to create a Mutual Purpose. Note that the four skills used in creating Mutual Purpose form the acronym CRIB.

Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose. In this case, you have to agree to agree. We Start with Heart by committing to stay in the conversation until we invent a solution that serves a purpose we both share.
Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy. Here’s the problem we have to fix: When we find ourselves at an impasse, it’s because we’re asking for one thing and the other person is asking for something else. We think we’ll never find a way out because we equate what we’re asking for with what we actually want. In truth, what we’re asking for is the strategy we’re suggesting to get what we want. We confuse wants or purpose with strategies. That’s the problem.
Invent a Mutual Purpose. You find out that your genuine wants and goals cannot be served except at the expense of the other person’s. In this case, you cannot discover a Mutual Purpose. That means you’ll have to actively invent one. To invent a Mutual Purpose, move to more encompassing goals. Find an objective that is more meaningful or more rewarding than the ones that divide the various sides.
Brainstorm New Strategies. It’s time to step back into the dialogue and brainstorm strategies that meet everyone’s needs. If you’ve committed to finding something everyone can support and surfaced what you really want. Suspend judgment and think outside the box for new alternatives.

Ch 6: Master My Stories

(How to Stay in Dialogue When You’re Angry, Scared, or Hurt)

Emotions don’t just happen

Claim one. Emotions don’t settle upon you like a fog. They are not foisted upon you by others. No matter how comfortable it might make you feel saying it—others don’t make you mad. You make you mad. You make you scared, annoyed, or insulted. You and only you create your emotions.
Claim two. Once you’ve created your upset emotions, you have only two options: You can act on them or be acted on by them. That is, when it comes to strong emotions, you either find a way to master them or fall hostage to them.

Handling emotions

The worst at dialogue fall hostage to their emotions, and they don’t even know it.
The good at dialogue realize that if they don’t control their emotions, matters will get worse. So they try something else. They fake it. They choke down reactions and then do their best to get back to dialogue. Eventually, their emotions sneak out of the cubbyhole they’ve been crammed into and find a way to creep into the conversation. It’s never pretty, and it always kills dialogue.
The best at dialogue do something completely different. They aren’t held hostage by their emotions, nor do they try to hide or suppress them. Instead, they act on their emotions. That is, when they have strong feelings, they influence (and often change) their emotions by thinking them out.

Stories Create Feelings

As it turns out, there is an intermediate step between what others do and how we feel. There’s always an intermediate step because actions themselves can’t and don’t cause emotional reactions.
Just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story. We add meaning to the action we observed. We make a guess at the motive driving the behavior.
We now have a point of leverage or control. If we can find a way to control the stories we tell, by rethinking or retelling them, we can master our emotions and, therefore, master our crucial conversations.

Our Stories

Stories provide our rationale for what’s going on. They’re our interpretations of the facts. They help explain what we see and hear. They’re theories we use to explain why, how, and what.
Even if you don’t realize it, you are telling yourself stories. Storytelling typically happens blindingly fast. When we believe we’re at risk, we tell ourselves a story so quickly that we don’t even know we’re doing it.
Any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories. These explanations could be told in any of thousands of different ways.
If we take control of our stories, they won’t control us. People who excel at dialogue are able to influence their emotions during crucial conversations. They recognize that while it’s true that at first we are in control of the stories we tell—after all, we do make them up of our own accord —once they’re told, the stories control us.
If you want improved results from your crucial conversations, change the stories you tell yourself.

Skills for mastering our stories

The best at dialogue find a way to first slow down and then take charge of their Path to Action.

Retrace Your Path: First you have to stop what you’re currently doing. Then you have to get in touch with why you’re doing it. Here’s how to retrace your path:

[Act] Notice your behavior. Ask: Am I in some form of silence or violence?
[Feel] Get in touch with your feelings. What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?
[Tell story] Analyze your stories. What story is creating these emotions?
[See/hear] Get back to the facts.

By retracing your path one element at a time, you put yourself in a position to think about, question, and change any one or more of the elements.

Notice Your Behavior. If you find yourself moving away from dialogue, ask yourself what you’re really doing. Ask: Am I in some form of silence or violence?
Get In Touch with Your Feelings. Learn to accurately identify the emotions behind your story. Ask: What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?
Analyze Your Stories. Once you’ve identified what you’re feeling, you have to stop and ask, given the circumstances, is it the right feeling? Are you telling the right story? Question your conclusions and look for other possible explanations behind your story.
Get Back to the Facts. Separate fact from story by focusing on behavior. Spot the story by watching for “hot” words. Words such as “scowl” and “sarcastic” are hot terms. They express judgments and attributions that, in turn, create strong emotions. They are story, not fact. Ask: What evidence do I have to support this story?

Watch for Three “Clever” Stories

Victim Stories—“It’s Not My Fault”
Villain Stories—“It’s All Your Fault”
Helpless Stories—“There’s Nothing Else I Can Do”

Why We Tell Clever Stories

Clever stories match reality.
Clever stories get us off the hook.
Clever stories keep us from acknowledging our own sellouts.

Tell the Rest of the Story

Ask:

Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?
What do I really want?
What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

As we tell the rest of the story, we free ourselves from the poisoning effects of unhealthy emotions. Best of all, as we regain control and move back to dialogue, we become masters of our own emotions rather than hostages.

Ch 7: State My Path

(How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively)

Share risky meaning

When the topic turns from things to people, it’s always more difficult. And to nobody’s surprise, some people are better at it than others. When it comes to sharing touchy information, the worst alternate between bluntly dumping their ideas into the pool of meaning and saying nothing at all.
The best at dialogue speak their minds completely and do it in a way that makes it safe for others to hear what they have to say and respond to it as well. They are both totally frank and completely respectful.

Maintain Safety

In order to speak honestly when honesty could easily offend others, we have to find a way to maintain safety. Carefully blend these three ingredients:

Confidence: People who are skilled at dialogue have the confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it. They are confident that their opinions deserve to be placed in the pool of meaning.
Humility: They are humble enough to realize that they don’t have a monopoly on the truth nor do they always have to win their way. Their opinions provide a starting point but not the final word. They may currently believe something but realize that with new information they may change their minds. This means they’re willing to both express their opinions and encourage others to do the same.
Skill: Finally, people who willingly share delicate information are good at doing it.

STATE my path

Once you’ve worked on yourself to create the right conditions for dialogue, you can then draw upon five distinct skills that can help you talk about even the most sensitive topics. These five tools can be easily remembered with the acronym STATE. It stands for:

Share your facts. Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your Path to Action.
Tell your story. Explain what you’re beginning to conclude.
Ask for others’ paths. Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories.
Talk tentatively. State your story as a story—don’t disguise it as a fact.
Encourage testing. Make it safe for others to express differing or even opposing views.

The first three skills describe what to do. The last two tell how to do it.

Ch 8: Explore Others’ Paths

(How to Listen When Others Blow Up or Clam Up)

Start with Heart—Get Ready to Listen

Be sincere. When you do invite people to share their views, you must mean it.
Be curious. The best way to get at the truth is by making it safe for them to express the stories that are moving them to either silence or violence. This means that at the very moment when most people become furious, we need to become curious. Rather than respond in kind, we need to wonder what’s behind the ruckus.
Stay curious. When people begin to share their volatile stories and feelings, we now face the risk of pulling out our own Victim, Villain, and Helpless Stories to help us explain why they’re saying what they’re saying. We begin to assign negative motives to them for telling the stories. Instead Ask: “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person say this?”
Be patient. Be patient when exploring how others think and feel. Encourage them to share their path and then wait for their emotions to catch up with the safety that you’ve created.

Encourage Others to Retrace Their Path

Use four power listening tools that can help make it safe for other people to speak frankly: Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, or Prime (AMPP).

Ask to Get Things Rolling. If you’re willing to stop filling the pool with your meaning and step back and invite the other person to talk about his or her view, it can go a long way toward breaking the downward spiral and getting to the source of the problem.
Mirror to Confirm Feelings. Mirroring is most useful when another person’s tone of voice or gestures (hints about the emotions behind them) are inconsistent with his or her words. We explain that while the person may be saying one thing, his or her tone of voice or body posture suggests something else. In doing so, by staying with the observed actions, we show both respect and concern for him or her.
Paraphrase to Acknowledge the Story. Simply rephrase what the person has said, and do it in a way that suggests that it’s okay, you’re trying to understand, and it’s safe for him or her to talk candidly.
Prime When You’re Getting Nowhere. Prime when you believe that the other person still has something to share and might do so with a little more effort on your part.

Remember you ABCs

As you begin to share your views, remember:

Agree: Although the various parties you’re observing are violently arguing, in truth, they’re in violent agreement. They actually agree on every important point, but they’re still fighting. They’ve found a way to turn subtle differences into a raging debate. Most arguments consist of battles over the 5 to 10 percent of the facts and stories that people disagree over. And while it’s true that people eventually need to work through differences, you shouldn’t start there. Start with an area of agreement.
Build: If you agree with what has been said but the information is incomplete, build. Point out areas of agreement, and then add elements that were left out of the discussion.
Compare: Finally, if you do disagree, compare your path with the other person’s. That is, rather than suggesting that he or she is wrong, suggest that you differ. He or she may, in fact, be wrong, but you don’t know for sure until you hear both sides of the story. For now, you just know that the two of you differ.

Ch 9: Move to Action

(How to Turn Crucial Conversations into Action and Results)

Having more meaning in the pool, even jointly owning it, doesn’t guarantee that we all agree on what we’re going to do with the meaning. For example, when teams or families meet and generate a host of ideas, they often fail to convert the ideas into action for two reasons:

They have unclear expectations about how decisions will be made.
They do a poor job of acting on the decisions they do make.

Decide how to decide

Dialogue is a process for getting all relevant meaning into a shared pool. That process, of course, involves everyone. However, simply because everyone is allowed to share their meaning—actually encouraged to share their meaning—doesn’t mean they are then guaranteed to take part in making all the decisions. To avoid violated expectations, separate dialogue from decision making. Make it clear how decisions will be made—who will be involved and why.

The Four Methods of Decision Making: There are four common ways of making decisions: command, consult, vote, and consensus. These represent increasing degrees of involvement.

Command: Either outside forces place demands on us (demands that leave us no wiggle room), or we turn decisions over to others and then follow their lead. With command decisions, it’s not our job to decide what to do. It’s our job to decide how to make it work.
Consult: Consulting is a process whereby decision makers invite others to influence them before they make their choice. You can consult with experts, a representative population, or even everyone who wants to offer an opinion.
Vote: Voting is best suited to situations where efficiency is the highest value—and you’re selecting from a number of good options. Members of the team realize they may not get their first choice, but frankly they don’t want to waste time talking the issue to death.
Consensus: Consensus means you talk until everyone honestly agrees to one decision. This method can produce tremendous unity and high-quality decisions.

Four Important Questions: When choosing among the four methods of decision making, consider the following questions:

Who cares?
Who knows?
Who must agree?
How many people is it worth involving?

Make assignments: Put decisions into action. Make sure you consider the following four elements:

Who?
Does what?
By when?
How will you follow up?